I’m not here to give you 10 ways to love yourself better or any shit like that. I know it’s hard because I have days where it’s hard. It’s not like I have found the secret to loving myself. However, a lot in my life has become clear since I set out to “make more money” in 2015. It’s amazing just how much boudoir has healed me.
My friend Courtney came over to model for me in my super cute living room with exposed brick. (God, I miss that apartment) “Huh, I could maybe be good at this.”
The partner I had defined a lot of who I was from 2014-2015. Honestly, I didn’t love that person. That person was suspicious and hard on herself and had just gone through a different breakup that made her stop eating for three weeks. I lost too much weight in too little time and then went right into another not good space. Obviously, I had no idea I would be swapping one abusive and unhealthy relationship for another.
Eventually, I threw myself into this. Community events, boudoir marathons, & learning helped pass the time and I met so many amazing women. Instead of sitting in the house wondering who my partner was with this time, I was making friends with like-minded people. My Instagram feed was filled with people that I saw as more brave than I was.
This didn’t happen overnight. My entire life had been setting me up for this. AOL instant messenger prepared me to find the people in my life that I wanted instead of having to “make do” with what was around me. Use your resources. Find someone you connect with in the Facebook Group if you’d like. I’ve seen people make those connections and it’s wonderful.
The more stories I have listened to, the more people I’ve run into, etc. has made me a better person. I have more empathy, I learned that I was doing some insanely problematic things.
I used to judge bodies for “wearing things they shouldn’t”. How freeing when I realized it was because I wanted to wear those things and I just wasn’t brave enough. The same could be said for a lot of ways I’ve bettered myself.
Now, it’s 2020. Last month, I came back from Philadelphia after attending a brilliant workshop that let me dig into that self-love journey even deeper. I had my boudoir photos taken for the second time. This is something I want to do yearly. I want to be confronted with my body and I want to hold space for what I’m feeling. This year I was surprised I didn’t look at it and go “oh my god those stretch marks” or “look at those bingo wings”. I just thought about all the messages I get when I post Instagram photos of other women.
“Oh my God, she has MY body. I never thought I could do something like that.”
I carry words like that so deeply in my soul and they soothe me. You might be someone’s body twin. You might find that learning something about yourself and opening yourself up to new challenges and relationships will better you in ways you never imagined.
You just won’t ever know until you try.
(Now, feel free to scroll through these tasteful n00ds)